Crafty Ideas & More

A list of redneck computer terms

A list of redneck computer terms

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern.

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.

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Top 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home

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Top 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home

1. “I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home’s garden.”

2. “Actually, it’s only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground.”

3. “Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell’s Angels, but I’m told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it.”

4. “One bleeding toilet doesn’t necessarily mean it’s haunted.”

5. “Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they’re not ‘killer’ bees.”

6. “Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it’s unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property.”

7. “It’s quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity.”

8. “Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?”

9. “It’s true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder.”

10. “You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night.”

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat & presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over & going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools – WD-40 & DuctTape.
If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;
you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES……….
THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT….. THEY STILL BRING A
SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

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According to eHumorCentral the current TOP 10 Jokes are

Sixty-Eight Fun Things to do in Walmart
Actual Instructions
Fun Things to do on an Elevator
Fast Facts
Inspirational Sayings
Who is Jack Shitt
WordPerfect Tech Support
10 New Words
Is Apple Better?
Don’t Lie to Your Mom
Lots of Random Facts
Grandma

You can read them all here

My favorite in the list is

Actual Instructions -

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan – NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists – REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids – LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins – WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) – DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor – NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I’m curious.)

18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts – WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

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